On Motherhood: The Myths

Source: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot

So you've just brought your newborn baby home.Your motherly instincts have kicked in and you know exactly what she needs. You recognise her cries. You spend hours looking into her eyes, feel fulfilled. In short, this is the best time of your life... right?

YEAH RIGHT!

If you are like 80% of women, you are suffering (or have suffered) from the baby blues and if you are really unlucky, you have Postnatal depression (10% of women). In other words, you are feeling overwhelmed, sleep deprived, anxious, perhaps depressed, and you may even be regretting ever having a baby. Your time is no longer yours but dictated by your baby's needs, you have become an expert at taking 2.5 minute long showers and you can't even go to the toilet on your own (Admit it!)
And lets not even mention the guilt when you do have those thoughts of sending your little bundle of joy back!

So how come no one ever told you about this? How come you got bombarded with images of happy mummies, gazing into the eyes of their baby for hours on end (when all you want to do is go back to bed), and how come all the 'experienced' mothers told you about how much they would "love to have another baby"! and "how lucky you are"?

Long answer.

But in short: when your family and friends (and sometimes strangers) are telling you how wonderful this time of your life is meant to be, what else can you say but... "oh it is... hubby and I can't wait to have another one!"

Don't get me wrong. Having a baby IS an amazing experience! But society has supported a number of myths about motherhood, which frankly are not at all useful. But you will no doubt hear them mentioned by well meaning relatives and friends. And what do you say when aunty Joy suggests you may want to eat more fatty foods to increase your milk production?

Source: Michal Marcol

 

Here are a number of common myths about motherhood, as well as some more realistic beliefs you may find useful:

Myth: "Motherhood is a woman's ultimate fulfillment" or "Being a mother is the best experience you will EVER have"

The truth: Motherhood is a difficult, but rewarding job, that involves working long hours with little respite.


Myth: A mother instantly feels love for her baby.

In reality: A mother may feel love for her baby as soon as it is born but this “falling in love” is more likely to occur over time as she gets to know her baby. It may take you days, weeks or even months before you bond with your baby. It is all right.


Myth: Expressing your own needs makes you a selfish mother.

Actually: A mother must express her own needs. You need to nurture yourself to be able to nurture your family.


Myth: Breastfeeding comes naturally.

Any mum who has breastfed (or tried to), knows that: Whilste breastfeeding is natural, it does not come naturally. It is something both your baby and you are going to have to learn to do together.


Myth: A mother can automatically interpret her baby's cries.

Sure! (note sarcasm!). With time, you will learn to interpret most of your baby's cries. You are allowed to make mistakes while you learn.


Myth: Your instincts will ensure you know how to mother.
Let's be clear: Instincts can be very useful. However, a woman has to learn to be a mother and this takes time and practice.



In short, Motherhood is indeed fulfilling but it may also be the hardest time of your life. You will survive it. After all, you are neither the first nor the last. However, approaching it with a more balanced and realistic perspective will hopefully soften the blow.

Funny thing is... one day, you too will look back at this time in your life with fondness and will tell the next generation how it was... "the best time of your life...

On Being Psycho Mum

Being a mum and a psychologist may seem like a good deal. I have all the tools to deliver the best upbringing to my child whilst knowing just what to do to remain sane myself right? Well... not quite!

Sure I know all the theories (some of them contradictory mind you) and I counsel other mums on the best techniques to manage their bundles of joy when they are not being so... joyous.

BUT... I also live in the real world and when my child is throwing a tantrum, no matter how hard I try, I do not always manage to "label his feelings, try to distract him and finally walk away to give him some space to express his emotions - and all of that while staying calm and collected myself". No, I lose it sometimes. I want to scream and sometimes I want to run away. Mostly I hide it, sometimes I raise my voice. Thankfully, I never totally lose it and hurt my child.

The hardest part about who I am though, is knowing exactly what the "damage" is when I am not being the perfect mum I dream about. I think about how he will feel 'abandonned' when I choose to take some time out for myself. I worry about being over-protective and turning him into a man who cannot fend for himself. I lose sleep over having another child because of the distress he will go through when he is no longer the centre of my world.

All of it I do realise is absolute bullshit! He is not the first one, nor the last one to go through the normal upsets of life and he will be just fine. But sometimes knowing too much is just that: too much. Sometimes I wish I was blissfully ignorant.

And then I think to myself, I do a good enough job. I spend quality time with him. I take good care of his physical needs. We  play, we laugh. And above all, I love him and he knows it. And if I do nothing else right, I will do this: make sure that he always knows his mummy loves him.

So next time the shrink is telling you about the latest approach to managing your child and you wonder how come they seem so much better at this than you, just remember, they have probably also spent time locked up in the toilet for a few minutes of time out from the kids. If they say they haven't, they are either lying or they don't have kids!

Anna M.