Monday, 19 December 2011

Going back to the beginning

Things haven't been great between hubby and I recently.

You know how it goes: Boy meets girl and at the beginning they spend hours looking into each others eyes, they have long walks on the beach where they talk about their dreams for the future and every minute apart is spent daydreaming about their latest conversation.

He cannot do anything wrong and she is the most beautiful thing to have ever walked on this earth.

And then, the honeymoon phase slowly slips away and in comes reality.

They get more comfortable with each other. Her legs are spiky more often than not and he burps like it's a sport.

They talk less.
Sex is scheduled for every Friday night.
And the only walks on the beach are to collect sand for the cat litter.

And that's not even taking into consideration the changes that having kids bring to your marriage!

Hubby and I are well past the honeymoon phase. And recently we've been arguing a lot. And I mean A LOT!

I have the training. I know all the tips and tricks. I know how to fight in a 'healthy' manner. I counsel couples for a living! And none of that stops my couple from experiencing the same troubles as others. Because before being a psychologist, I'm a human.

Arguments are healthy of course. It worries me when I hear couples say that they never argue. You are two different people with a different upbringing, different rules, different values, different dreams. If you are not arguing, then it means one of you is always giving in. And that's not healthy.

But there is a point of course where arguments become unhealthy. And we've definitely reached that point.

It seems like we are constantly at each others throat. Bickering about the littlest thing. It's slowly been getting more and more unpleasant. To the point where the other night I was trying to imagine what it would look like if we separated and I was wondering whether life would be better or worse than what we have now. That sucks.

But when I married him, we vowed that it was "for better or for worse" and I take that seriously (although the worse bit does have it's limits - if he ever cheats on me or abuses me or the kids, I'm out of here!).

But on the whole, I do believe that marriage is a sacred thing and that too many couples take the "easy" way out rather than working on their problems (and I do believe that sometimes, separating IS the best option).

There are many, many ways to improve your relationship. Google it and you'll come up with a thousand and one "tried and tested" ways to get the sparkle back.

There is one thing that always works for me: going back to the beginning.

Remembering why I fell in love with him in the first place. What attracted me to him. Remembering those long walks on the beach. That first kiss. Waking up to find him looking at me sleep. Remembering dancing in his arms at our wedding.

Image credit

 It's not about going back to the honeymoon stage. That's over and long gone. It's about taking some time out of the daily grind, and reminding ourselves that the love is not dead, its just hidden behind life.

Image credit

How did you fall in love?