If I could go back in time, I'm not sure I'd have kids again.
That is SO hard to say "out loud".
I love my children more than anything! And if they were ever taken away from me, I seriously don't know how I'd survive.
I miss the life I had pre-kids.
I miss getting home from work, making myself a cup of coffee and putting my feet up in front of tv or with a good book, rather than being caught in the whirlwind of dinner, bath and bedtime routine.
I miss waking up on a Sunday morning and wondering what I'm going to do, rather than knowing exactly what my day is going to look like (mostly focused around the kids).
I miss going out for dinner (and having a cocktail or two) and coming home late and going to bed like everyone else (rather than doing another feed) and waking up when I'm ready rather than when the kids think it's reasonable (anytime from 5am onwards).
I miss grabbing my bag and my sunglasses on the way out, rather than nappies, bottles, dummies, change of clothes, wet wipes and toys (oh and kids too).
And above all, I miss me.
I miss who I was: a professional woman, respected for her opinion. I used to be full of energy. I used to cook fancy dishes. My legs were always smooth and my nails done.
Yes, if I ever found the elusive genie in a bottle and he offered to take me back in time, I'm not sure I'd have kids.
I am so in love with my kids. And if I could go back, it would have to be without the memories of the last few years, or the first thing I'd do, would be to have them again. I could never live withouth my kids. But if I am honest, I'd have to admit that sometimes I wish I had never had them.
I think that a lot of women admit to grieving for the life they used to have but I'm not sure many would admit to essentially feeling like they made the wrong choice. So you can all stop staring now and pick up your jaws off the floor.
I feel bad enough.